My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
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A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
any last words?
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS