Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
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“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.