Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
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*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Check your privilege
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.