SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
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I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
i’m laughing very hard in real life
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself