Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
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My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.