I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
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Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop