me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
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relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
I think they could have phrased this better
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?