“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
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At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.