[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
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THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
How it started How it’s going
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?