Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
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Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC