People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
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For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about