Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
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Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Great Canadian literature.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Nothing.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.