[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
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Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
pep talk
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works