I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
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Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!