Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme