Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
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“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life