ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
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[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
lmao
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to