DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
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my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
This was my dad’s browser history.
that lip filler tho
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.