My warrants are pretty outstanding.
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I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Good morning!
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house