There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
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I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
no their not
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.