If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
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Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
umm…
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.