@ candidates for local office
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Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*