Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
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The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Go hard or stay average