Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
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I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting