I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
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*seductively eats two tums*
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?