Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
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Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
want me to check your oil?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Lmao 🤣
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?