Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
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People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*