Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
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Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.