I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
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“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Good Morning.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.