ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
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me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life