uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
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The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
😜
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.