*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
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A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
HOW DARE YOU
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.