My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
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[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need