I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
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sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion