“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
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They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
#DesignFail
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.