I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
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I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”