My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
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chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.