I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
You Might Also Like
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Merica.
I am also baked goods
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
This one’s “Alex”.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…