Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
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my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Called it
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
So creative 😂
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO