‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
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Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
New favorite tiktok
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX