temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
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The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.