doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
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So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.