My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
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*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
what
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”