What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
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Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.