TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
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First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.