I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
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Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.