I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
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Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Selfie
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.