me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
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I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
What flavor cupcake are these
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Forever 21… pounds overweight
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!