Every. Damn. Time.
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Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
any last words?
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.