3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
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Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂